FACT NOT FICTION: The Dom Files is a collection of articles written by dominant men who share their perspectives, experiences and desires…

Coping with Emotional Sub Drop 

Many discussions of sub drop examine the physical aspects of post-scene aftercare but often overlook the more chronic and potentially crippling emotional effects. Too often, submissives and other BDSM partners are left to suffer in silence and often alone, the worst possible outcome.

Immediately following a scene or BDSM play, a submissive may experience an emotional high, a carefree feeling, an overwhelming sense of being free of stress and worries. However, when this feeling fades it can be replaced by other less desirable emotions. This emotional or mental drop varies in intensity and duration but often takes the form of guilt, anxiety, melancholy, depression, and/or agitation. While this may happen immediately or within a few hours following a scene, it can also manifest itself for several days to even a week or more after a hard scene.

The emotional manifestations of sub drop are often a direct result of coming down or “crashing” off of the endorphin high brought about by BDSM play. But they can also be a byproduct of physical exertion and stressors encountered during the course of play as well. These physical effects only serve to compound the psychological impact.

One of the causes of mental or emotional drop can be a sense of loss brought about by a feeling of being suddenly disconnected from a BDSM partner. During the scene, a feeling of intense intimacy is created between the Dominant and submissive and if that contact is not maintained into the post-scene environment, a feeling of loss akin to the mourning of a death can set in. During a scene a submissive looks to the Dominant for a feeling of safety and security, allowing them to feel profoundly vulnerable and exposed. After a scene that vulnerability can lead to an overwhelming sense of having been deserted if there is no continued contact between the Dom and the submissive. The result is that a submissive can be left feeling used or abandoned.

Guilt and shame are also very common feelings experienced during emotional sub drop. These can be brought about by perceptions of social stigmas against BDSM and sexual activity. For new submissives especially, societal perceptions of sexual and/or gender roles and acceptable practices can cause confusion in the days following a scene. There can also be a sense of disbelief on the part of a submissive that they would actually allow themselves to do the things they have done or be treated in the way that they have been. Shame can play a major role in emotional drop compounded by a sense of isolation. Due to a sense of shame, a submissive can feel completely alone and unable to reach out to their customary support network of family and friends because “they simply would not understand.” Here the Dominant or other BDSM partner needs to play a crucial supportive role.

Severe emotional sub drop can have long lasting effects. A serious occurrence with little or no care can damage or destroy a relationship between a Dom and sub, the trust bond having been severed between the two. As with all emotions, sub drop can also influence reactions to future scenes, the effects of which should be monitored closely. It is important that every effort be made to make sure that a scene ends as a positive experience.

The best way to cope with mental sub drop is relatively simple but the responsibility falls squarely on the Dominant, ACE:

A – after care directly following the scene

C – contact in the hours and days following the scene

E – expression of positive reinforcement to the submissive

Aftercare should be more than a Dom simply making sure the submissive is physically all right. It should also be a period of positive reinforcement, reassurance, and connection. The submissive is especially vulnerable in the period directly after a scene before they have regained their faculties. They need to feel safe, valued, and cared for during this period so that the whole scene experience is a positive one.

Contact in the hours and days after a scene is essential to ensuring that the experience remains positive for the submissive. This does not simply mean casual contact, but rather being genuinely available and prepared to really listen and allow the submissive to express what they are feeling. Many times deep emotions come up during this period and by providing a receptive outlet for them, the Dom can help the submissive explore all the feelings conjured up during the scene and afterward and prevent them from festering and causing real damage.

Expression of positive reinforcement is one of the most crucial aspects of aftercare. With a few kind and loving words a Dom can allow the submissive to feel pride in his or her self. Express honest positive thoughts and emotions to them. Compliment them on how they did and what they did well. This single aspect of after care will have the greatest affect on avoiding severe mental sub drop and resulting after effects. Making the interaction between Dom and sub a positive experience can help minimize or prevent guilt or shame that might be felt later.

Above all, be there for each other. Drop is not limited solely to submissives, Doms can feel profound emotional drop as well and for similar reasons. It is crucial that the bond that brought you together to play in the BDSM space in the first place be maintained through the scene and well into the hours and days that follow. Be kind, loving and considerate to each other. Support one another and above all be patient. Handled properly, drop can be averted or at least managed in such a way that both partners remain committed to one another and to not only continuing the D/s relationship but also plumbing its depths still further.

Treat as you would hope to be treated.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

Originally posted on February 15, 2013

Adapted from an article by David Williams

Image © Aedo Pultrone

Note: The above article has been re-blogged with permission from the author. More work of the author can be found here

FACT NOT FICTION: The Dom Files is a collection written by dominant men who share their perspectives, experiences and desires…

Simple Pleasures

Oh we Doms do love our toys and gadgets. It seems that every time I travel on the airlines my bags are overweight simply for all the goodies I feel compelled to pack for my Muse. After all, one cannot possibly leave home without at least one good set of cuffs, a collar, blindfold, flogger, crop, clothespins, rope, anal jewelry, and a Hitachi with a good long extension cord. And that is just the starter kit. Its no wonder my suitcase is always over 50 pounds, before I put the clothes in! I can only imagine that I populate some strange lists at the TSA.

Yet for all the fun and games we play with the goodies and toys, the most powerful and memorable moments are those where there is nothing involved but the two of us; Master and Muse. You see, it is the power of two minds at work in a D/s relationship that really set things on fire, not the toys.

My Muse often tells me that she likes not wearing a blindfold early in our scenes because she likes to watch the transition I undergo from loving companion to strong Dominant. She says there is a look in my eyes, a drop in my voice, a presence that overtakes me. When she sees and senses this change she instantly becomes her most submissive self. She describes it as a force, where she feels suddenly powerless, as though she has no control over what happens next. She even goes so far as to describe it as a touch of fear, though she knows deep inside there is nothing to fear whatsoever. But in this transition both of us go to a different place, often together, and neither knowing precisely where we will end up. It is this mystery and sense of the unknown that provides such intrigue and energy to our times together.

When I imagine or plan a scene carefully in advance and think through all the toys I intend to use and how I want to use them, the locations I want to try, or the outfits I want worn, things often feel forced or even contrived. Sometimes I would go so far to say it does not feel like actual Dominance at all but rather “playing the role” of a Dominant. Indeed, in a recent instance it felt as though I were trying to “act” dominant because it was expected rather than actually “being” Dominant because it was how I felt. In point of fact, nothing felt right at all in that scene or others over that timeframe. I was forcing it and it showed. It was all about the toys, locations and tricks as opposed to just being my Dominant self. And guess what? It didn’t go so well; for either of us.

Dominance and submission always seem to go best when I just go with the flow of a moment, time, place, or mood. When I follow my instincts and seize a moment I need no toys, ties or tricks. A measured look, a gentle but firm hand resting on an arm, neck or thigh, a softly uttered “suggestion” is all that is necessary to completely shift gears and effortlessly enter an enhanced state of Dominance and submission that we refer to as “High Formal Protocol.” Instantly, eyes are cast down, hands are crossed behind the back, legs parted, and a formal low tone of communication overtakes us. There is a fairly distinct size difference between my Muse and I but in these moments I seem to grow larger, more powerful and Dominant and she seems to shrink and become more vulnerable and submissive. It is a remarkable transition that some might characterize as Jekyll and Hyde-like and others might more lightly characterize as akin to the metamorphosis of a butterfly. But regardless, it is a remarkable change that takes us to a new place each and every time.

It is when we feed completely and unaided off the energy of one another that the magic truly happens. No need for ties or toys. The bondage is entirely psychological yet stronger than chains. A subtle word or gesture is all that is required to command. Submission and obedience is complete. Unassisted hands can do remarkable things producing pleasure, pain or manipulation. The mind is even more remarkable providing each the unshakeable will to Dominate and submit respectively and eagerly. The desire to please becomes overwhelming, each in our own way; failure or disappointment so unthinkable that we will do most anything for the other, to the other, with the other. Almost in an altered state, we do the amazing and unimaginable, sometimes even the unthinkable. Without force, without restraint, we act simply by force of will; the will to submit and the will to Dominante. We become equal and opposite complimentary forces. The stronger the force, the greater the attraction. And through that attractive force we collide, merge, and become one for a time. Two minds moving in perfect unison for common purpose. It is this elusive D/s bond that we continually seek and routinely achieve. And each time we do, it only serves to strengthen our overall relationship still further.

My Muse and I are not particularly stellar dancers, at least not the form of dancing that requires two people to move in coordinated fashion. But when we set our minds free, follow our own internal music, shut the world out and leave the toys behind, our minds take us on a dance unlike any other. Twisting and twirling, gyrating and pulsing, we never know where it will lead but we trust that it will always be new, different, powerful and exciting.

Once in a while it is good to forget the toys and the plans, the desires and demands, the preconceived responses and outcomes.  Simple pleasures between Dominant and submissive are often the deepest, most intimate and intense pleasures of all.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

Image Credit Unknown

Note: The above article has been re-blogged with permission from the author

FACT NOT FICTION: The Dom Files is a collection of articles written by dominant men who share their perspectives, experiences and desires…

Suffer for Me

I admit, I might have a slight sadistic streak. Or at least sometimes I think so. And yet I am not a pluck the wings off a fly and watch it die kinda guy. In fact I would probably carry an outsized sense of guilt for such an act. No, I do not gain sexual arousal or gratification from the act of inflicting pain. So perhaps I am not much of a sadist after all. Yet there is something in sadism that draws me like a moth to the flame. Indeed, if you are my submissive, I want you to suffer for me.

But suffering in my book does not necessarily infer extreme pain, and definitely not harm. It infers struggle. So perhaps it is more accurate to say that I want you to struggle for me, and in that struggle there is suffering. But I do not want to simplywatch you struggle. I want to feel you struggle. I want to know the internal battle that wages within and I want to sense every manifestation of your duel between the forces of devotion versus ego, a desire to please versus self-preservation. You see, it is not the pain and bloodshed of the battlefield but rather the heroism, honor and the struggle for victory that I find so appealing. And you my submissive, you are the battlefield on which the fight for victory of devotion over self is played out. And I want to know you and your struggle intimately.

I give you challenges, not for the pain or even the pleasure but for the struggle. Each time you face a difficult challenge or even the impossible Catch-22, the internal battle waged between the desire to surrender to the overwhelming pain or pleasure versus the desire to be victorious in absolute devotion to your Master is erotic beyond measure. And each time that you win out over your ego, sense of self or self-preservation, you become stronger and more confident. No less submissive for your victory, you in fact become more so. For in your confidence and self-awareness comes a greater desire to delve still further into the depths of submission.

When I say that I don’t simply want to watch you suffer but that I want to feel your struggle I mean it quite literally. I want to physically feel the emotional and tactile battle playing out within you as you struggle for supremacy of submission over ego and id. In pleasure and pain I want to literally be inside you, being as much a part of you and your struggle as I possibly can, even as I am the source of that very challenge. What kind of challenge? The kind where sensory overload must be endured and the will to stop must be overcome to achieve a goal on behalf of your Master.

A perennial favorite revolves around physically pleasing me in one way or another while undergoing some form of challenge; relief or release from that challenge only being granted upon completion of some task such as bringing me to orgasm. This is all the more enticing because I have anything but a short fuse and can endure long periods of stimulation without orgasming. A struggle must be epic for there to be glory in victory.

One example might be requiring you to kneel naked before me, knees wide apart, holding a Hitachi to your swollen throbbing clit while pleasuring me with your mouth. Of course you are neither permitted to cum nor remove the Hitachi until I achieve my own release. The Hitachi being a relentless and powerful foe there is little chance of your success. But all the while I get to not only observe your desperately devoted struggle but I get to intensely feel it as well. Every convulsion, every clench, every desperate moan and pleading cry is transmitted to and through me as the Hitachi works tirelessly at your overly sensitized clit. But it is not merely the physical stimulation of your struggle but the emotional gratification of your devotion and loyalty in the battle to persevere over the Hitachi that pleases me most. It is in these moments where you struggle mightily against insurmountable odds to please and serve that your submission is most forcefully presented. The sense that you will do anything for me, anything for us, is a most powerful aphrodisiac and is one of the many ways that we further cement our D/s bond.

We play this scene out over and over, the details being different but the struggle, emotion and sense of oneness the same. Whether it is paddling your ass or tugging at your nipple clamps as you ride me, flogging your pussy or spanking your ass while you please me with your mouth, the challenge of submission and service over self-preservation and ego makes you the warrior princess, the dragon slayer, the heroine of our story. In your submission and absolute devotion you become ever more powerful and thus the rewards of your submission greater still. You struggle for me. You suffer for me. And in that battle you display the discipline of a soldier, the loyalty of a knight, and the humility of a monk.

And all the while, I get to not only witness your battles, I get to live them and feel them as I reside deep inside of you. Feeling every physical and emotional reaction to pleasure and pain. Feeling your mind and body struggle with the challenge to simultaneously please me as Master and fight the battles I set forth for you as antagonist. You fight my challenges all the while you struggle to serve me. Your will to please and serve, submit and surrender is never more apparent, present and tangible.

We are never more actively united in a sense of oneness and common purpose in our D/s bond than when you suffer for me.

Note: The above article has been re-blogged with permission from the author

FACT NOT FICTION: The Dom Files is a collection written by dominant men who share their perspectives, experiences and desires…

Dominant Traits – Submission is Earned Not Ordered

In my seemingly endless quest to identify and describe the essence of Dominance and submission I have often found it easier to describe what it is not versus what it is. My writing it turns out has been less an act of description and more an effort to identify boundaries, framing D/s into something coherent and tangible. So once again I am going to begin with the contrast of what Dominance is not, and in so doing hopefully allude to what it is.

The greatest misconception I see from aspiring and wannabe Doms is that Dominance is about asserting active control and giving orders to satisfy one’s own desires. There is no doubt that the carrying out of commands can be a manifestation and indeed a fringe benefit of being a Dominant, but the selfish motivation is all wrong. Hubris, hedonism and narcissism are not the bedrock on which Dominance is built. Indeed, they are the enemy and even antithesis of successful dominance.

A submissive does not initially kneel because she has been ordered to. A submissive kneels because a Dominant has entered her world who recognized her deep seated need to kneel before another and serve them completely. But she does not kneel simply because she is in the company of one claiming to be a Dominant. Rather, she does so because someone has finally proven themselves worthy of her gifts and has successfully unlocked her desire to grant them without reservation.

The Dominant does not accomplish this through orders but rather through patient questioning and attentive active listening. The Dominant does not order a submissive to her knees to serve him but rather creates an environment of trust, desire and anticipation within which the submissive falls to her knees in devoted service of her own volition. Despite the pornographic BDSM imagery of force and even brutality and humiliation between a Dominant and submissive, long before there is kink and physical power exchange there is generally a full and complete emotional exchange of power. This is not done through bludgeoning or brutality but rather through patient and loving drawing out of desire. It is coaxing not command.

When my Muse first knelt for me I did not order her to her knees, she asked permission to do so. My job as Dominant was not to command but rather to enable. She reached the decision that I was the one she wanted to kneel before on her own. I simply created the environment where she felt comfortable, safe and desirous of doing so and I have the duty to continually and unfailingly nurture that environment for as long as our relationship continues. It is work. It is hard work.

A Dominant doesn’t get to enjoy this level of devotion and service by sitting back imperiously giving orders. They do so by continually and actively investing in the betterment of the relationship and the people within it. That means not only continually working to draw out the best in a submissive, but also continually seeking to be a better and more worthy Dominant. It is an active pursuit that takes hard work and unflinching dedication.

It is true that as a Dominant I get to give orders and often benefit directly from their being carried out; it is indeed good to be in command. But while I may be in command today, I have to continually earn the position, and could lose it in a heartbeat through misdeed or neglect. It is a revokable honor. But I did not gain the status of command by giving orders. I can give orders because the position of command has been granted me by a submissive. This is a distinction that seems to be lost on many.

Menacingly snarling out orders like “On your knees slut” does not make anyone a Dominant, but being a Dominant earns the ability to give such orders. Before any of that, the respect and desire of a submissive must be earned and that is an act of drawing out, not commanding. Only after submission is truly earned and freely given can a Dominant presume to have the right and ability to give orders. And even at that, obedience is only obtained when there is will and desire to do so. It is the job of the dominant to foster that desire.

I would argue that the title of Dominant or Master is NOT something one confers upon oneself as I so often see here on Tumblr and elsewhere. It is an identity and honorific that is earned from and bestowed by a submissive. I may believe myself to have a dominant personality, but I am not a “Dominant” or “Master” until a submissive identifies me as hers and we agree to that relationship. Anything less is mere posturing and bluster.

So the bottom line is that submission is earned not ordered. Dominance is a gentle act of drawing out not commanding; indeed it is a high form of seduction versus brutality. And while Dominants have egos, the act of dominance is not an ego-driven domineering state. It is perhaps most surprisingly an act of vulnerability and love.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

Image © Marcus J. Ranum

Note: The above article has been re-blogged with permission from the author